It's funny how everybody becomes that wee bit more gullable on April Fool's Day. The ones that are expecting to be fooled seem to be the *most* gullable and are fooled more easily.

Couldn't agree more Brian, "The Media" (present company accepted) are a shower of cunts. They decide which information to release to us the fragile public, ie - poor bastard watches a couple of shite, unfulfilling pornos, thus potentially ruining a marriage and career and stripping the guy of his dignity by making him apologise outside the family home, and then saying he's going to be "on the couch" for the next few weeks. Perr cunt.

Just to jump on the "big media secrets" bandwagon, did anyone know the following:

Tony Blair's daughter tried to commit suicide, hence the reason he left office?

There's a Gary Lineker sex tape?

Andrew Marr has a love child? (why would I make that one up?)

All true, by the way. Just thought I'd ruin a few other lives there while the BBC are at it. If they can, why shouldn't I? Keep it to yourselves though, eh?

This is a test of your spirit Brian! Will you allow this to be posted and spill these secrets into an unknowing and molly-coddled Britain??? Come on mate, the world needs to know what happens in every cunts private life 24/7 apparently! And I HATE the expression 24/7!

Like the new photo by the way. Very Robert De Niro.

Ya Polish haired cunt ... I well and truly fell for that, ecept I didn't read it until today 2nd April, so does that mean that the joke is actually on you !?!?

I think I preferred last year's.

aye well sort it oot limmy. you've got 364 days to plan yer next

Sometimes it's funny, usually if your good at it once is enough and thats not funny.
Then there's the serial suicider attention seeking, that can be funny !

Hold on, what's with everycunt checking the BBC news? Why does everyone specify it's the BBC news? You all working for the BBC? All shareholders, getting in a wee bit of subliminal advertising? Well it husnae worked, I'm off to look at the Daily Star website for my stories.

Teresa
"suicide - always a hilariously funny topic"

I disagree.

Tasteless, obvious tripe.

I can honestly say that I don't know who any of these people are. This story has just passed me by (or not caught my eye).

I'm away to find out what this is all about...

suicide - always a hilariously funny topic, good one

...and when I say say nayone, I mean anyone.

I can't believe you fooled nayone with that story Limmy.

These were much better:

http://www.firebox.com/features/youre_an_april_...

Fuckin' satnav shoes, fuckin brilliant.

I can't believe I fell for that. What a fudd.

can't believe you fooled so many people! nice one limmy!!! How will you feel if you turn on the telly tomorrow and he has wanked himself to death?!!

april fool's is past
and you're the fool at last
and when it comes again
you'll be the fool
and i'll be nane

January 2008 - That's yer Beadle deid.
March 2009 - That's yer Jade Goody deid.
April 2009 - That's yer Jacqui Smith's husband deid. (Not quite).

However, these things always come in threes, so who really will take the bronze in the Limmy's Blog 'That's yer Celebrity Deid' Sweepstake?

10/1 - That's yer Beatle deid. (2 down, 2 to go).
33/1 - That's yer Goodie deid. (Brooke-Taylor, Garden, Oddie - BET NOW)!
1000/1 - That's everybody deid. (Large hedron collider incident).

PS - I already feel bad about this because I like the Goodies. Sorry.

That was quite good, I just got a shock there then realised. Ya bas.

One year on... Does anybody know how the singer from Rage Against the Machine is coping? Poor wee guy.

That's why I come to this website so often. A hearty belly laugh at that one, best April fool of the day! Definitely better than your last one harhar

"Said Josef Fritzl."

even serial kidnappers/incest rapists/murderers need their sleep.

Got me fair and square, googled it etc

I'm surprised the 2 porno films Mr Smith was watching havent been re-released in a special boxset, or better still, given away free with a Suday paper.
I mean, they're bound to be crappy, but right now everyone wants to see them.
Those porno producers have missed a golden oppertunity to cash in there.

he he, good yin! Would be spooky if he did it for real now.

Well at least this wans mair plausible than last year...that Zak De La Rocha gave Mike Patton AIDS!!!

FFS looked at BBC news for a sec.

P.S.

A wis watchin 24 the other night and the guy in it is aff Shawshank Redemption...i must have spent 5 minutes gettin ma burd tae remember...'you must remember it...ye said it wis wanny the best films yev seen fur a ages at the time...that Morgan freemans in it...about the guy breakin out eh.........AAW YA BITCH!

Fast off the startin' line though ya mad cunt, 1:22am?

You pretty much nailed it, as does this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8rMYyegT5Y

Ohh april fool. April flaming fool. hahaha
what if we'd all been slagging him off like some of us do Jade Goody? And word got out and he ended up topping himself for it anyway?!
It was a good 'un.

By the way, who else have the media murdered, apart from David Kelly?

Some one should tell creatino about the false nature of this story before he kills HIMSELF!!

It was a good effort, mind!

Much better than my dad's, who sent me a text saying Clydebank shopping centre had just been attacked by terrorists and Asda was ablaze :o

I heard he was dying for a wank.

..................aye and Obama's been assassinated at Downing St. by Sarkozy.........

Mind you that Jacqui Smith is a cock isn't she?

I was thinking of doing that, Ciara, but I thought it would be too trivial or something, I wanted to sound all serious. And I fucked it up in the process.

nearly limmy, nearly. you would've had me going if you'd titled the post:
'That's yer Jacqui Smith's husband deid'

Brian

Looking at your coupon just now I couldn't help but notice that your right eye doesn't open quite as far as your right one.

I am the same. This was noticed by my opthalmologist who said this is a common anomoly amongst people who wink a lot. Have you been winking long.

Would you say that you wink : a lot : a little : only when you are on your own and your girlfriend is not there : never.

Barark O Bampott referred to the Special Relationship the US shares with the UK this morning while having breakfast at number 10.

He also referred to the fact that his wife's sister Amanda was a hairdresser in Largs. The place is now swarming with photographers. It was quoted on This morning by Lorraine Kelly who claimed she knew that already.

Can anyone from there throw any light on this.

I wonder how Zach Del La Rocha is dealing with that wee virus that Mike Patton gave him...

almost got me but just checked your blog at the same time as i sat down to watch the pm questions, otherwise i woulda been caught oot.....

on the srious side of it tho, it was her husband that put the porn on her expenses peachdelights, she obviously new about it afterwards but you cant blame her, you can however blame her for the 'second home' she is claiming, i said on an older post that i dont care where my taxes go as they get taken off me no matter what but i do care when they are pissed up against a wall on already over paid liars, that is all politics is, liars trying to get your vote to pick the one you think will lie to you the least! that is why it is all so funny and why the media laps it up

I did believe it for a second. With your google and what not, April Fools like this won't last long. Maybe next year make it more personal, like you've won the lottery or that you've lost a leg in a horrific car crash. Something we can't disprove by going on BBC News.

suicide by house burning and another film - porno for pyros!

"its quite disturbing to me that some people are commenting at half 4 in the morning, wit the fuck"

Said Josef Fritzl.

Ha Ha Limmy, your pure Funny!!!

its quite disturbing to me that some people are commenting at half 4 in the morning, wit the fuck!

That was much much better than last years April Fools.

Cracker.

Limmy, the irony is that you now are the media. YOU ARE.

Quality

Who Cares!
I don't care that I paid for his porn.

At the end of the day money goes around one way and another, you all pay for my porn one way or another, I just wish I could get it on expenses too, in fact I wonder how many companies around the world pay for employee porn when they are on jollies.
The last company I worked for paid for staff to go out and get smashed, taxis home, hotels etc etc and you all paid for it by paying 1p extra for your broadband and stuff like that.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Oh dear god, this time you may have gone too far.

wit,

aw wit's ra date, april the wit!,

LIMMY ya Bastard!

How did he top himself ?

Did he wank himself dizzy, so dizzy that he fell oot of his first floor windae and onto a bunch of upturned plug's?

What a way tae go.

I hope he payed for the film his self this time.

HAHAHA You nearly got me, I actually switched over to sky news there.

If true, would it be the first case of someone wanking themselves to death ?

Aye, aye. I know what you're up tae. I know what you're up tae alright.

if he died hours ago... then who was the man i stabbed just now?

Eeeeeh, whit.

Oh right, I see.

Too right limmy mate. These media types are fucking cunts...they cannae wait til someone does something slightly wrong so they can hound the poor bastard. I didnae know that MPs and their families werent allowed to be human n fuckin watch a bit of porn. Fair dos, dont make the tax payer pay but who gives a fuck, 50 odd million people had to split about fuckin £5 between them...so fuck. The media love this recession cause they can fuckin scare monger 24/7 n pray on the poor wee single parents n O.A.Ps who will fuckin jump if ordered.
Spineless, heartless, soulless, cheap suit wearing fucking cunts your media types. If i was jacqui Smiddy's husband i'd buy half of anne summers online n watch the media's heads explode!

This was a clever choice. You are too smart for this internet business.

I'm totally dissapointed

I thought yae were gonny dae an april fool post

April Fool!!!

That is a typical Limmy April fools if ever I saw one.

Yep, you got me.
Bloody Emperor.

What a terrible thing to happen on this day of all days.

April Fools

Live by the sword - Die by the sword

Barak Obama's been shot too

brammer my man, had me on the bbc website n everything.

April Fools eh?

the films he ordered were Raw meat 3 , and by special request lol. so it says on wiki.

wheres the link?

My God. Where did you read this, I can't find anything about it.

I thought the story a few days ago was quite funny, being an immature guy and all. But seriously, he must have felt like the actual scum of the earth if he topped himself because of it.

Hold on. What day is it.

... One nil to Limmy. Much better than last year's mate!

April 1st is shite isn't it? I'm usually too much of a cynic to fall for April Fools and so it ends up just being annoying...especially on the internet where it seems to rumble on for days. Thank Google for the 'Mark All As Read' button.

This is shocking news, and no doubt about it, the media are - yet again - to blame. For years those bastards had me believing that spaghetti grew on trees and that penguins could fly, and now they're guilty of suicide. Twats.

wait a minute......


APRIL FOOOL!

Yaas!!

Good one.

Here wait a minute, I thought ye meant political suicide.

Don't approve this so the surprise doesnae get ruined for anyone who doesnae realise it's April 1st. Good one though.

I liked the one on Lorraine Kelly better

April Fools!

Nah mate, no agreeing wi ye here. We're paying yet again for the gravy train, this just happens to be an embarassing and visible example.

Wind up alert.

Imagine he read this and then did it.

The blame would lie squarely with you, Limmy.

10 minutes of searching before the penny fucking drops.

April fools??? Ha ha ha...

I know it's 1st April and everything, but I don't think this type of thing's appropriate. I died last year while watching a porn movie, so I don't find the funny side of this!

I have to agree with you here Lims. Everytime something like this happens the media go on some mad witch hunt and blow it all out of proportion. I mean for fuck sake, the guy watched a couple of shitty softcore skin flicks, which she (Jacqui Smith) totally innocently claimed expenses for. That said the whole expenses debacle is another matter.

It does remind me a bit of the time my mate got caught by his burd, phoning sex lines. He used to come in pished from a night out, then either do a Richard Timney or phone the old sex lines. When the phone bill came in his burd didn't recognise the number so she phoned it.... needles to say they're no longer together.

Oh hang on.........

I get it.

Yes very good.

Deid?

Whatchatalkinbout willis?

April fool!

Limmy I'm not managing to find anything for this via a quick google or on the BBC site - you got a link?

nice try...

your april fools jokes have went doonhill since you kidded on you had chucked travelling a few year back ;)

haha av been anticipating your april fools for quite some time now.

a valiant effort.

April fools or what.

April Fool

What day is it again ?

Just looked at the date. Fuck.

Can't see any mention of it on news.bbc?

Try harder.

April Fool !!

Tut tut. Another pish April fools.

Trouble is, if his wife hadn't been so bent on restricting our freedoms so much (including, I'm sure, the freedom to have a taxpayer-funded wank, if she'd had the chance) then the meedja might have left them alone a lot sooner.

She made her preachy, nanny-knows-best bed, now she's got to lie in the cunt. No sympathy.

April Fool? Ya sick cunt. Here's me rushing to bbc news website like a dafty too

aye, April Fool to you anaw!

April fools!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/5081211/Jacq...


Death row should have been changed by now.....

Aw ya prick, april 1st.

aye right good april fool ya cunt.

had me checkin the bbc news site

When I read that all I seen was yer eyes man. Yer judging eyes, looking at me and accusing me. Made me feel as though that I was the media, and that you where personally berating me for what I had done. It freaked me out Limmy, it freaked me right out.

limmy, u bare an uncanny resemblance to that unfortunate lubbock chap who tried to retrieve the brick in barrymore's pool - btw he was an unfunny cunt n all

I wonder if the polis will return the orange, tights and belt to her like this poor bastard www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5061127/Bloodst...

Also, I want to point out, that there are so many OTHER sleaze scandals that happen in UK politics that the public don't care about and this particular story mostly sparked interest because it was over porn. Jacqui Smith is an idiot, the media are relentless and the public are blood thirsty. Really though, she should know better. She's in politics, nothing is private!

Jacqui Smith is an idiot for using taxes to pay for her husband's porn. That's that. The media have a right to publicise that, we're lucky to have freedom of the media in the UK.
However, certain news papers are obviously going to turn it into this massive scandal. The public aren't listening to the fact that Jacqui Smith used government expenses to pay for his porn, they just hear 'porn' and leap at it.
So what, people watch porn? The media didn't handle it properly, you're right. They focussed more on the nitty gritty and less on the money side. To be honest, yeah, they're bastards. Certain newspapers will always focus on the more sordid side of any story because that's what some readers prefer.
She's in government. She has a position to uphold that she's already failing miserably at (I wouldn't trust her with an HB Steadtler pencil) and yet she's STILL pulling shit like this.
When you are in any position in politics you should prepare yourself for this sort of thing because the media love it. She didn't, she's an idiot, she's never been wise when it comes to publicity.
Hope she's happy.

Where did ye find this oot Limmy? I cannae seem tae find it on the BBC News website.

Aye, right.

much better than the last one

Gotta love the story running in The Telegraph.

Apparently the 'blue movies' weren't very 'steamy' according to an eroticist. Yes, they spent money asking someone what the pornos were like.

Mental.

It's Hutchence v.2 - a sad day for asphyxiated wankers worldwide

April fools!!!!!

Ah fuck, now I feel guilty for ripping him on Twitter yesterday. Not that that would have made the slightest difference to him, but what with all this social media bollocks, is EVERYONE responsible now? Not any more than before i guess, since tabloids have ultimately always depended on a paying audience. Voicing your opinion is somewhat more constructive than hawking people on their doorstep or paying someone else to do it for you.

I any case, how repressed do you have to be to kill yourself over fucking watching some porn? More than the media, I'd have to blame the squeaky clean hypocrite society Europe is moving towards. We're becoming more like the yanks every day.

I don't know if I am being naive or not when I say, the whole situation arose from an honest mistake. I understand that recently there has been quite a lot of coverage about our MP's expenses and some of the ludicrous claims, some of our ministers make. I do believe the whole scenario has been a focus point in relation to the bigger picture, and it gives the media a way to vent there frustrations, but to go after someone so relentlessly is a little over the top. I suppose that's the British 'way' these days...

My thoughts are today is April Fools day! Good one! Had me switching over to sky news.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK i switched on news 24 and everything. i hate you, april fools day

Is this an April Fool!?!

I can't find anything about this anywhere...

Nearly. Nearly...

Fools!

You'd have been better putting a whoopee cushion under everyone.

Limmy! You got me with that one! I checked the news online after reading. Ya bastard.

I thought Jacqui looked a bit shifty in that press statement. I think there might be something more sinister afoot. x

is that yer best?

That's weird Limmy. Even though you're being hypothetical, I was just saying to my mate "it's only a matter of time before somebody does themselves in after that kind of media scrutiny".

It's like the old medieval chant "burn the witch! burn the witch!"

What i hate is the way it's reported as "taxpayers shelling out £10 for two porn films". There are 65 million people in the UK. Divide £10 into 65 million. Oh, really feeling the burden aren't we?

I don't vote Labour, so I'm not defending them. But that poor guy's dignity has been obliterated by callous, mocking, faceless cowards.

The media are sick bastards who hound people to their deaths. See Dr David Kelly for a previous case, although the Blair Government had a huge part to play there. But it's a similar scenario, and it's only a matter of time.

I think Mr Smith has a second home and this is the one we should be focusing on. For inside that house I think we will find the biggest selection of scud mags ever witnessed. Greasy bastard!