About 10 years, I was on a Stagecoach bus going back home from work one night. The bus was empty bar a couple of neds up the back, me around halfway down and one or two other people dotted around.
I heard one of the neds talking about how he was dying for a shite and how he was just going to do one on the bus. I thought he was joking, but then about 5 minutes later, I heard them giggling about something. Then one of them started laughing like he couldn’t believe what his mate was doing.
The other guy said “It’s only a wee yin, but it’s the thought that counts”. I thought they were maybe joking, until the smell of shite drifted down to me.
Then he started talking about wiping his arse on the edge of the seat.
Beat that.
I don't have a disgusting story but you have another one about the 2 old alkies on the bus.
I was at a party and a friend of a friend disappeared upstairs with a burd, who in the end up didnae get her kit aff. She crashed oot, pished, and the guy shat on her forehead. She came running doon the stairs about 10 minutes later screamin' her heid aff.
Went to a mad party when i was Germany a couple of years ago and some German guy wiped his arse with a white pillow from one of the beds in the room then put it back on the bed. Massive big skidder on it, it was fucking disgusting.
Another one was in millport years and years ago ( i live in largs now and still hardly been to millport ) Anyway, there used to be a wee wooden raft that sat just off the beach on the front and we swam out to it one day, one of the boys i was with was dying for a shite there too, cut a long story short, he done a shit, a full solid one, then proceeded to diarrhoea in the water too so that was us stuck on the raft for fucking ages, he just didn't give a shit, jumped in and swam back right through the brown mess!
At school there was this bully who used to stick his finger up his arse
and then wipe under the nose of another kid , he called it the “Granny Sniff ”
It was play on the name of the apple -Granny Smith
on the inverness to aberdeen bus about 7 years ago..
i sat up very back so i could have a fly swalley. after about 2 stops a couple get on, tall skinny guy short fat lassie, looked like a number 10.
they sit in the back row with me. guy is looking at me as if to say 'move' and im thinking no chance i was here first and im no riskin getting caught and thrown aff the bus for drinking.
after about 20 minutes guy says “ach well it will just have to be a blowjob tonight”
i look over and shes got her gums roon his plums right in front of me pure no givin a fuck, no inhibitions what so ever.
before i can look away he's clocked me looking, i thought i was gonna get a bottle over the nut, but he just smiled and winked at me cool as fuck.
staying at the hollywood youth hostel in l.a. about 3 years ago…
nice hostel full of lovely lassies, id drank so much no one could understand my accent. went to bed alone about midnight. sleeping in a bunk bed in the top bunk…
about 3am i wake up cos my heads banging off the metal head board thing, its my mate in the bottom bunk having sex. giving some lassie the pounding of a lifetime.
there was 4 bunkbeds in the room so 6 other guys were there too, theyve all woke up anaw and theyre all watching and 1 of the guys has his willy out giving it a right good tug.
its times like these that we need Eddie Munster
A few years back at Aberdeen uni there was a friend of a friend who got pished so we stuck a twix bar in the crack of his arse. It melted and the next day when he woke up he had to taste it as he couldn't remember shitting himself. He wondered why his turd was sweet and tasted of chocolate. Don't know if he's ever done it again.
…cos if you woke up from a drunken sleep and realised you had shat yourself the first thing you would do is taste it.
About a year ago, my mate Basil lived in very very rundown flat in Belfast. Most of the neglect was on his behalf. One night, he was absolutely steaming and did a shite outside his flatmate's room. It wasn't a normal one either, he rubbed his arse along the floor like a dog does. Full big streak of shit along the carpet.
When he woke up the next day, he'd forgotten that it was him who did it. He got pissed off thinking it was someone else. After he realised it was him, he just went back to his parents house for the week. Nobody probably cleaned it, and it looked like someone had melted a pile of cooking chocolate into the ground. Pretty fucking sick.
I do furniture uplifting with my uncle on saturday mornings to folks houses. Normally we see some stinkin houses but this one saturday was the worst ever. we opened the door to this place carrying a couch and got a massive expulsion of bum sweat from inside the place.
It was this wee balding fat wifey that was at the door with a tshirt too tight with a manky belly hanging out. i kid you not this was one of the worst smells i have ever smelt. it was a 3 piece suite we were delivering aswell.
it smelt like out of date beef hula hoops/pot noodle/shite/fanny sweat
Bum sweat quite literally is SHITE
Andy That happened to me In L.A aswell, And Miami, and Vancouver. Only in Vancouver it was 2 guys!
I was in a Miami Hostel and I met this couple, Anyway we all got steaming and the burd went to her bed, The guy followed shortly afterwards, I find out the next day He had went up to the room pulled his pants down and farted right in her face, except it was a wet one and he sprayed all over her face, Unfotunatly she was asleep and it went in her mouth, She kicked fuck out of him.
I witnessed a jakey take a dump on a cash machine in Duke Street at the Halifax in 2008. Had to stop and watch it, had no idea what I was looking for a second. I was horrified. He didn't use the appropriate deposit slip.
Actually a true story. I've never used the machine again. You've been warned!
I was in Delhi last summer, stayed there for a few days before deciding I couldnt hack the heat and poverty, it was just a totally grotty hellhole. So I ended up getting a flight to Kathmandu. On the taxi ride to the airport, we got stuck in traffic and a boy, perhaps of about 11 or 12 comes staggering over to my window. Obviously a beggar, so I roll up the window. He's sweating away, looking totally desperate, he puts his head against the window with his eyes shut and sticks his hands on the glass. His left hand was missing. He just had a stump, that was wrapped in a grotty bandage which was covered in blood and dripping onto the glass…
I didnt even get it together to give him some rupees, I was just too shocked. Couldnt get out of that shithole fast enough.
the shawshank redemption…
andy dufresne escapes the jail out a sewer pipe, crawling on his hands and knees through a mile of the prisoners pish and shite.
Manky Bastards!! You should have went up and said…..
“What's your 'ploblem'! What's your 'ploblem!'”
Just finished catching up on your new series. Havent been on here in like 5 years! Still have your original DVD on my shelf. I have to say, you are prob the funniest guy around! A personification of my sense of weird and wonderful humour.
Cheers
when i 16 my pal and i pulled 2 girls, took them back to my hoose and tanned a big bottle of absinthe that id got fae duty free.
the 4 of us were fucking blootered. one of the lassies spewed and when the smell got round we all spewed. on the bed, on the floor and aw over ourselves.
the lassie i was supposed to winch passed out on the bed.
my pal and his wee winch decided to get right in aboot it, winching and tounging each other on route to the dirty deed, despite the fact they had both just barfed.
i went to the bog tae brush my teeth and choak my chicken but before id even finished with the teeth, the lassie i was supposed to winch had woke up and burst into the bog tae spew again.
shes sitting on the rim of the bath now, sick aw over her face, and i was like that 'fuck it' slung the arm roon her and gave her a wee peck on her sicky lips………….
A good few years back I was disco dancing in the Garage night club in Glasgow. I was upstairs in the attic part of the night club when I needed a pish so as you do I went to the toilet.
Low and behold when I got there I discovered that this tiny as fuck toilet with its one cubicle shitter and tiny pish wall was pretty jam packed, and on said shitter sat a young man pished out his tree taking a dump with the door lying wide open for all to see…
lovely, after he had squeezed out his wee treat he screams “AW NAW THERES NAE FUCKIN BOG ROLL!!”
He then proceeds to kick off his shoes, take off his socks and wipe his arse with his socks… YUM
The last post just reminded me of a couple of encouters of being caught short!
Was in a night club a couple of years ago…. drinking copious vodka and red bull loosens the bowels, so I was gagging for a shite! Ran into the toilet in the club and to my horror! No bog roll! I was clinching for dear life! However I knew Tesco 24 Hours was only 5 mins away so thought I may make it….
Low and behold I burst out the club running, sprinting like mad as I knew I was gonna shit myself… But didnt make it… I ran round the nearest corner and whapped my drawers down in some side street… (imagine Renton in Trainspotting) and let loose… Cow pat indeed… then realised I had just shat on someones door step… oops! Wasnt the most pleasant experience, especially when all you have is your very own Calvin Kleins to wipe your ass….
2nd encouter, funnily enough maybe too much alco-pops again here. Was out for a xmas bash with my mate suited and booted in 2008. He decides to leave early with his lass and I decide to stay. Eventually I left and thought no way am I paying for a taxi when I can walk…. Got about 3/4 to his house and felt my back exit start to twinge…. Walking fast just made it worse and I scrambled to get my suit trousers down…. Ended up shiting all over my trousers and what not outside someones house at 4am… Luckily I knew a back walk to get to my mates. However the last 150m coming out the park and to his street I had to sprint! All I had was suit jacket on, no underwear, shoes and socks pulled up to my knees and a pair of shitey trousers in my hand looking like a midnight rapist that smelt of shite!!
Thankfully I have not had an encounter like the above since then and tend to carry kleenex in my pockets.. ;o)
A took a shite once in a club and wiped ma arse wae ma hand.
lol!!
Me and some mates went down to Berwick to stay in caravan site, and i was totally skint, and the rest of them wanted to go into town for a night out…so they persuaded me to eat a horse shite out the field next to us for 20 quid! it was fuckin barkin, but i had a good night out!
Here is the video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhbjsWs8_ik
Walking past an orange walk once, seen a guy at the top of a wall, shitting in his trousers then shoogling it down and kicking it towards the people walking. Fucking rancid!
It's not always about the shite and the drink.
About 10 years ago, on a Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my mates flat reading the newspaper. The paper was on the carpet, so I was on the edge of the seat, leaning over, facing down to the floor, happily helping myself to some green, white & black Celtic jelly beans. I was chomping away on some of the black ones when a bit of it falls on the newspaper, so with no hesitation I nab it, put it straight in my gob and continue munching away.
My mate, who's sitting on the other side of the room, pipes up with a horrified look “What did you just do there?”
I explain how a bit of jelly bean fell out, so I put it back in my mouth and I'm thinking, fucksake, that's bit of an over-reaction, it's not even as if it fell on the carpet. Then I realise. And by now, he can't talk for pishing himself.
He's been sitting there with his trouser leg rolled up, picking away at his scabby knee. He's gone and pinged a bit of his scab across the living room and, with no hesitation, not even looking up at him, I've picked it up, shoved it in my gob and munched it down without realising.
I ate scabs.
Beat that.
mate thats weird ma mate was on a bus gone up the west end n told me the exact same story coincedance you deside
We have too many stories about shite, Daniel. I don't think anyone could beat when Sean done a full shite in the toilet, picked it up and squeezed it so it seeped through his fingers. Or the time he shat in our gran's shower. Or the time he shat on my knee. Or the time he shat on the floor in the back of the van then picked it up with his boxers and threw it in someones gutter. Or when Ronnie shat in a carrier bag, walked about town with it getting people to hold it while he tied his shoe lace. Or the time he shat in a freezer in a shop. Or when i tried to fart in high school and fully shat myself and walked about the full day with a dried up shite in my boxers. Or when we were on holiday and you shat the bed, seeping through the sheets to the mattress after a night out of drinking White Russians. ENDLESS STORIES I TELL YOU!
I once pissed into the back of my trousers when in a club (following a 36 hour drinking session), had to wash them in the sink, and dry, and still managed to pull a bird and take her back to hers, but had to nip in for a quick shower as I was reeking.
Also managed to drop a poo down the back of my trousers in my mums once, and then without noticing trampled it all the way down the stairs and went to sleep. Mum loved me for that.
I also know a guy who did that in a club too, and walked the shite right across the dance floor….
We were in Kings Cross in Sydney a few years ago, Kings Cross is like the red light area of Sydney, with strippers and sex shops everywhere. We were having breakfast in a wee cafe there one morning and looked over to see a wee, old man standing in the middle of the busy street with his willy out playing with it. He was looking around at everyone with a big smile on his face like he was dead pleased with himself. A prostitute went straight up to him and booted him in the balls. Poor wee man was all confused. That's more depressing than disgusting.
You people need help, clench and find a toilet. 'Sake.
There certainly are some fucking crackers in here.
What is it with men and shitting themselves?
a guy once told me that his mate was taking a bird back to his house 1 night and they were out on the piss drinking guiness and he took her back to his flat….. so their in bed and that then she says to him do you wana put it in my arse, so pished his mate thinks aye belter, so hes doin her up the dirt track then she sharts on him nd hes got shite all over his bed and his dick… by this point shes dead embarrased and shit so she goes 2 get cleaned up as does he, then after it she asks him if he wants 2 finish up so he being him sticks it back in then their goin for it for a bit nd after hes done he pulls his knob out and seens a layer of shite in his foreskin and over his cock!!
I was at a friends house after a night out and one of are friends was pretty wasted so he was sleeping onthe sofa. So we're sitting watchin team america and our sleeping friend decides to pay tribute to the gutter scene by vomiting everywhere. He was lying on his back at first soit it came out like some disgusting fountain and when hetuntinued until the entire floor was covered,which is not a exaggeration, wall to wall the floor was cover in the stuff. Wewere all pretty pissed ourselves so we just woke him up and told him to get it cleaned and went upstairs the next morning we discovered he had just went back to sleep so we all had to clean it up at this point slighty solidified sick not the best way to work off a hangover.
About 7 or 8 years ago now I was sitting in marking in class and our Form teacher comes running out of her store room with her hands claspedround her mouth, says “oh my god someone has used my store as a toilet”, before running out of the room (this was one of them mobile hut things). We found out a few months later who out of the class who it was, but even better was that we found out that he neatly arranged school notebooks in a circle before taking his dump slap bang in the middle haha!
A few years ago my mates and I were on holiday in Magaluf. We’d met a load of lassies from school over there too so ended up with a group of about 16 of us.
We’re sitting outside, and I’m stuck on the outside next a railing. Either way I go round the table I’m going to have to ask about 7 folk to move to go for a pish. Everyone’s drinking cocktails, so George, my mate next to me, passes an empty cocktail jug to do a streamy there. With no where else to put it, it goes back on the table and we go back to talking shit.
Next thing I know, another one of my mates picks it up and starts tanning straight into it. Complaining that “fucks sake, it doesn’t taste of much.” before passing it to the bird next to him to see if she can guess what’s going on. Then a third one comes into the equation, insisting on nailing as much as he can because he “doesn’t give a fuck”. George and I are sitting there, absolutely horrified as within seconds the it’s gone from being a wise tactical decision to a full on pish-a-thon.
Worse was the fact that later on – gassed and with pish on the brain – I thought it was funny to pish into a glass in the middle of a club and walk around purposely bumping into the best looking lassies I could find in there.
Didn’t pull that night.
a friend of mine was shaggin his burd and it turned out it was her time of the month but not knowing/thinking about it they still get it on, his parents come home early but lucky enough they get their clothes back on and stuff before they came up the stairs but his mum notises that there is blood alll over the fuckin bed like fuckin everywhere and he looks over at his girl and she gives him a look like u better fuckin make somethin up so he blaims it on his dog thinkin ach well it could be believable, this really worries his mum but it got him out the bloody situation…
a few days later his dog got put down….
.. his maw still doesnt know the real story.
that youtube video of the boy eating horse shit proper gave me the boak! Gaddzz! I was in a skanky pub once and a guy licked a skidder on the manky toilet for a pound! A pound!!! Hardly worth it!
A (brass) band member never paid for hotels on tour but would sleep with women in order to get a bed for the night. A pal saw him talking to an eighty year old lady at the British Legion somewhere in the highlands. They popped outside. The pal followed them and overheard the old woman saying from the dark outside, “Never before, in all my life, have I taken a man's bobby into my mouth.”
This is based on a true story.
It wiz during the Edinburgh Festival
That the Jim Rose Circus came tae town
For those of you who are unaware
It's a Circus wi' a different kind of clown
They are Jim and his pal Egor
A psycho covered in tattoos
They torture themselves for a living
Meanwhile shattering your taboos
They like tae eat lots of maggots
Razor blades and parts of a car
Jim said the only thing he wouldnae eat
Is a Scottish deep fried Mars bar
Now for some strange unknown reason
My friend suggested we go tae the show
We were doin' a lot of LSD at the time
A' think that's why a' agreed tae go
Well Jim and Egor, they dinnae hold back
They believe in giving 100 per cent
A' think they were just out tae prove
Their maleness is not even slightly bent
They stuck skewers through their arms
Let off mouse traps on their tongue
They then set fire tae their genitals
Whilst fae their fingers they were hung
At that point a' nearly fainted
But a' managed tae regain my breath
Ah' don't know how they were coping
A' was fairly close tae death
Then came the show stopping moment
The house lights dimmed
Egor drank a jug of man juice
And it wiznae even skimmed
He washed it doon wi' a pint of blood
An' some urine for good measure
How much wiz he getting paid?
Or wiz he doing it for pleasure?
He brought some back up intae a glass
By Jim battering his rib cage
He then invited any thirsty volunteers
Tae came up ontae the stage
The audience just laughed
It was obvious he was just being kind
He knew that for anyone tae drink it
They would hae to be totally oot of their mind
But ma friend had seen a preview of the show
He had planned this all along
He stood up and shouted
“Aye sure, a' hope it's really strong”
Egor handed him the sickly concoction
Saying “A' think you're taking this joke too far”
Ma friend just smiled then downed the lot
Some people will dae anything tae be a star
Jim was more embarrassed than angry
Upstaged at his own world renowned show
He had tae call an end to the evening
There wiz nae place more extreme for them tae go
Everything wiz cool
Until about one week later
Ma friend's face turned green and he couldnae eat
He had come doon wi' a life threatenin' fever
For the next 2 weeks he wiz at deaths door
His stomach refused tae accept a thing
He asked me the stupidest question ah've ever heard
“Do you think drinking Egor's spew, made me spew my ring?”
It was at that point a' realized
That oor friendship had tae end
And ever since ah've been off the acid
Ah've never seen my psychotic imaginary friend
I just want to say with full confidence that I huv never shat myself, and if I had I wouldnae post it on your fuckin blog that's for sure.
Another good one I heard from years back was about an art teacher at my old school – an absolute cunt of a man – called Mr Yule. Anyway, he’d pissed off laid a big long turd along his desk, decorated it with a bit of tinsel and put a sign next to it saying The Yule Log. More funny than disgusting really.
I should not have fuckin' been reading this whilst eating my breakfast. Chunder.
When I was 12 or 13 I was at my Grannies on a Saturday afternoon. I went to use the bathroom and when I was done I washed my hands. While washing my hands I noticed on the shelf in the medicine cabinet there was a razor and being a young man I wanted to shave away my few little bristles that were starting to appear on my upper lip. It was a great shave, it made my face really smooth, I felt like a real man. I thought, I ought to buy one of these! So, when turning the razor over on inspection I discovered the instrument wasn't a razor… It was in-fact a corn-knife.
My missus' mate Woody once picked up a cat and his finger accidentally went up its arse.
Also;
My mate James used to keep a wank sock, the same sock he wanked into for years and years, custed with the jizz of ages. But that's no the disgusting bit. When he was rinding his missus he used to force her smell it just as he came.
You might have a disgusting story of your own to tell us soon.
This thread is fucking brilliant!!
When i was about 15 was on holiday with my parents in teneriffe. Was dying for a shit all of a sudden so sprinted up to the hotel room but realised the swipe card was wet and i was still soaking from coming out of the pool so i ran as fast as i could back to the pool side toilet. and i turned to shut the door while simultaneously pull my shorts down and sit on the toilet but as i did a log flung out of my arse and hit the wall. I tried to clean it up but the floor and wall were tiled with a really rough and grainy surface which ended up making it 10 times worse. I waited till there was no1 about and fled the scene. Toilet was an absolute fucking state.
A mate of mine burst his banjo string a few weeks before we went to Lithuania for the Scotland game in '06, so he had an operation to sort it all out. We were wasted in the early hours of the morning in a Vilnius night club when he came staggering across the dancefloor, face etched in pain, and leaving a red trail behind him like a menstruating slug, while a group of gorgeous but horrified-looking Lithuanian girls kept their distance. Apparently wearing a kilt properly (ie. nae underwear!) about a week after getting an operation on yer knob isn't advised, and the rubbing had basically eroded the stitches and resulted in his cock suffering a, what can only be called, “minor explosion” underneath some heavy Black Watch tartan.
I was in the garage back in the day in my new daz white Armani Shirt and Snakeskin Gliding shoes getting the coupon winched off me by some wee bird. anyway I was a bit parched and asked her what she was drinking – Vodka Cranberry as it turns out – So I swaggers up to the bar get's myself a drink and gets her one. Walks back over to her gives her the drink – she took one drink and then moved back in fir some more hot tongue action and then spewed her ringer all over my mouth – I actually tasted the rainbow of barf that came out. She then proceeds to have another vomit volcano all over my shirt and shoes!! Absolutely fucking raging – Anyway she gets parped out and then I left as I was filthy minging and in a c*nt of a mood.
i wis in the boozer and ma mate came in wi his wee girl tae get somethin tae eat… anywey, after they hud finished sharin a plate eh chips ah pinched the last one aff the plate. i immediately noticed it wis cauld and a bit… wet! ma mate must huv noticed and says 'here, they wur awfay salty, so ah hud sooked the salt aff thum before ah gave thum tae the wee lassie!'
he hus some dental issues tae, an even noo if i hink aboot it, i bauk!
I was having a 69 with an old girlfriend with her on top when suddenly i felt this warm feeling all over my nether regions,i thought I'd shot my bolt without knowing but my ex had spewed all over me.I told her to get me a sponge and then left in a huff!
These are fuckin' hilarious! I was gonna post one but it's nowhere near as good as all of these lol
I'll bet you wear a nappy.
LINK!
I remember years ago when I was still at school I had a party at my house when my mum and dad were away. Some annoying bint kept shouting over everyone and slagging one of my mates about the time he'd tried to ride her and hit a floppy. I decided enough was enough and took her handbag to the toilet and curled in a steamy turd. I then gave it to her and told her to fuck off out my house. Just as she was walking away I got my mate who she'd been slagging to call her mobile and she went to answer it and found my jobby, started screaming all sorts of nonsense while we all laughed at her from the window.
A female friend of mine went to visit her boyfriends parents for the first time.Halfway through the night she was burstin for a shite anyway up she goes and drops her arse only thing is it wont flush away but its a fuckin stoater and cant face the reddie of someone else seeing it………………….so after 4 flushes she picks it out the toilet wraps it in toilet paper and puts it in her handbag .goes downstairs and makes her excuse of not feeling well and heads home with shite in the bag.
I cannae bite my tongue any longer. You fed homeless people, less fortunate than yourself, sandwiches filled with human shite and you found that hilarious? You did it why? Cos they asked you for money and fags? I hate to point out the fucking obvious here but you actually consider them 'scabby fuckers', after what you and your comedy genius mate did? What a couple of fucking legends you are.
This is a story known as Gin-gate…
Once upon a time, there were 4 boys. Me and my friend from school, about 16 years old, his brother, must have been about 14 and his friend who was about 12. Well me and my friend, let’s call him Omar Bhatia up coming artist and graduate from Dundee School of Art, decided that it would be a good idea to get very drunk on a bottle of Gin. As the night went on, Omar's brother I shall call Ally, Film editor who is in Costa Rica on a sponsored Rally as I type, was the first one to get wasted as he had not got drunk before. He was first to throw up in the kitchen sink clogging it. The younger boy I shall call Russell Phipps, UK and Irish welding champion and bassist of the band We Throw Stones. He joined Ally in the throwing up and then proceeded to put his hands in the sink splashing the sick in the air and his face.
Soon afterwards Ally passed out on the sofa with his back facing the room after removing his trousers. Several minuets later as we were having a laugh Russell noticed that Ally had begun to take a shit, in his boxers on the sofa, still asleep. So Russell decided to do the only sensible thing. To laugh, point, repeatedly say “Ally is shitting” and prod the shit through Ally's boxers.
We moved to the spare bedroom at the back of the house, walking ally through the house with his heavy boxers swinging between his legs. What followed was an extensive clean up operation which consisted of a brother wiping another brother’s ass hole, removal of soiled sheets the flipping of soiled mattress and the hiding of soiled cloths over the garden wall. We then had to tidy the living room removing all evidence of the evening
We could not get rid of the sick as the sink was clogged, some how we got away with that one by saying it was a witches bru we had made even though it was quite clearly sick. The only thing that got us in trouble and showed any evidence that we had been up to no good was one singular bottle cap that I quickly got the blame for.
The Cover up worked for several years until Limmy asked us to tell a story truly disgusting…
The story of Gin-gate…
And we all lived happily ever after.
Andrew Begg, dictated but not read.
I onced sneezed on the bus and a big greener landed on the bird sitting in front of me's hair. i hyad a coldf so it was white clear snotter and it looked like spunk, she never noticed and got off a few stops after i was about pishing ma self wi laughter. feel shan like but hey ho such is life.
I was parked outside of a Gas station and a man stopped in front of my car and blew the biggest snot rocket EVER! He didn't even wipe is hand on his pants or nothing, he just opened the door and went in……..That's pretty freaking Gross to me!
I was out in town one night and me and a couple mates booked a room in the Travelodge. Once we got back in, me and my mate Stu went wandering the corridors when I noticed one of the room doors was slightly ajar. I peeked in and saw no one was about. I went in and pulled the bed sheets down, dropped my tweeds and pinched one off in the bed. Afterwards i carefully pulled the bedsheets over as if no one had been there, Ninjaaaa!!
One time we were playing Mario 3 on the SNES (Mario Allstars actually) and in one of the minigames where you jump on the hammer thrower guys head to unlock a prize (star, flower etc) and I made a bet with me pal that whoever guessed right would assign a dare for the other to complete!
I won and dared my pal to lick the dogs arse! Being a good sport, he did. When he licked it, he must have moistened some dry shite on the dogs ring piece cos the smell of shit was overwhelming!
This same mate once tossed off my dog with a dish towel, not for a bet but just for a laugh. Think he likes my dog alot….
R.I.P Mac 1991-2003
My mate went to the bathroom to perv on his bird having a shower and caught her pressing her shite down the drain hole in the shower. The same bird also unplugged herself (tampon) and left it on the dining room table. They are not together anymore, I can get you her number if you want?
A work acquaintance from Stirling went on holiday to Majorca. He went with a group of guys and was drinking all the time and one night he pulled. He was steaming and apparently was so drunk that he was unaware that the lassie was on her period. The guy went down on her, and woke up with her menstrual blood caked all over his face, and also his hands and the white pants he was wearing. I found out about this because the people he went on holiday with took photos of him before he realised and e-mailed them around work.
I am a student teacher and have to do several placements at different schools. Anyway i ended up in a shit hole of a school and as my first week passed i kept on seeing really outrageous behaviour from the kids. I brought it up to one of the teachers after one of my lessons and he said “you think thats bad; last year one of the S2 pupils done a shite in the centre circle of the football pitch and wiped his arse on the grass like a dog.” Apparently the wee guy had a crowd watching aswell. I could not believe and i burst out laughing, but the teacher stared at me with a straight face.
This story is legendary with my pals.
4 friends of mine were hanging around the woods drinking when they were about 15.
Two of them are talking away until they notice this ungodly stench and nearly spew their rings up. They look behind them at the other 2 and one of them 'Den', is pulling of clumps of smegma from his cock!
Den had just told the guy he was talking to he'd never pulled his foreskin back because it hurt, so he was instructed that's really bad for you and he should. The 3 of them were ill with the smell.
Den went home and had a bath to was his newly exposed helmet, it swelled up like a rubber ring and he had to go to hospital.
And that's the legend of 'Cheesy Den' folks.
When I was about 12 I was coming back from the swiming with my pal. The bus was mobbed when we got on and the only seats were near the back. When we sat down we realised we were beside a family of 'travelling folk'; a young guy, a lassie about the same age and a woman who looked about 50 (but she could have been 30). They were all drinking Super Lager and were utterly muntered, shouting and singing in their thick-as-fuck tinky accents.
The reek of pish coming off them was enough to paralyse a roomful of elephants and my pal and me just sat there terrified, trying not to boak. A wee minute later they got up for their stop and when they walked away we could see that the 'mother' had pished herself and the back of her skirt was ringing, along with the seat she had been on. Then as she walked down the aisle she started pishing herself again and it GUSHED down her legs in a steamy, yellow river. Meanwhile she just kept walking and drinking her can – couldny give a fuck.
The final insult was that a woman got on the bus and sat down on the pishy seat. We didn't warn her but we were just wee lassies, there were loads of 'adults' who saw it and no-one piped up.
Steamy, lagerry, gypsy pish. The smell has stayed with me ever since.
Thats the first one that i have read made me boke…
One day at primary school, I walked into the boys toilet at first break and somebody had written the word “Jobby” on the wall with a shite, splattering the shite on the wall to make a full stop.
Neilston Primary School it was.
Something very similar happened when I was at Cardonald primary, but they didn't bother writing anything just smeared all the walls, bog and floor… horrible sight to behold. All I remember now is brown and me running back to class.
i used to work in a pub in southside glasgow. one really hot day this guy saunters in, orders a guinness and heads straight to the gents. after a wee while he emerges and, looking a bit grubby, heads straight for the door and fucks off never to be seen again. one of the guys then goes to use the cludge and bolts right out again wretching and waving his arms. the place was smeared in the most rancid shite. no joke. spread up the walls over the sinks over the urinals, door handles … everywhere. fucking EVERYWHERE. and the stench was like something i had never encountered before and never want to again. pure honkin. needless to say, the jake didn;t pay for his pint.
also, there is a woman in our office who, when she goes to the loos, picks her nose and wipes it up the walls. clatty or what?
what the fuck are people all about.
finally, my favourite story… my mate's upstairs neighbour had a leak in her bathroom which caved his bathroom ceiling in. his lavvy was all clogged with plaster. caught short, he crapped on a newspaper, wrapped it up and put it in her wheelie bin. quality.
The first time I met my father-in-law, I stayed two nights at his place after a day at a music festival. He was an intimidating bloke, which I suppose explains my panic…
He went into town with the wife to get some more beer and left me watching Scotland get gubbed by Sweden in the world cup. (It was a while ago). All the shitey festival food I'd had the day before had worked its way through and I decided I'd take a dump while he was gone, because I was sure it would be rancid. Sure enough, I deposited a foul and unbelievably huge amount of shite in his toilet. Unfortunately, this broke the toilet and it started backing up. Thinking quickly, I stopped the water and skimmed off all the floaty stinking shite into a poly bag. I had the toilet cleaned up pretty well, but still had a poly bag full of shite. I could barely tie a knot in it.
I couldn't put it in his wheelie bin, it would have been really obvious. So for some reason I hid it under his other car, tucked behind a wheel. It was done in the nick of time before he got back too, otherwise he'd have caught me wandering about his driveway with a big bag of shite.
Funny thing was that as I left the next day, I had a sly peek at it as I was leaving. And the shite bag was gone! Carried off by rainwater? Inquisitive weans? I've no idea. I know it wasn't him, I just don't know where it went.
Coupla weeks ago i actually shat masel mate. it was horrible, coudlnae hawd it in. ran down to the public toilets and had tae try n clean masel off, abandoning my boxers in the process behind the cistern. then i had tae walk about the road wae a big shite stain on the back of ma jeans, and a jumped right in a bath. felt like greetin, am 24 year fuckin eld!
In one of my previous jobs, i wont say where, but there was some scrounging bastard kept stealing all my snacks off of my desk when i was out of the office. This unknown scrounging greedy bastard especially liked the fresh fruit i brought in.
Anyway i decided to set the scrounger up. So what i did was, i got a paperclip, which i straightened out then proceeded to go to the manky toilet where my boss seemed to always leave pebble dash down the bowl due to his constant diarrhoea, so i scraped some of the dried up shit onto the end of the paperclip then pierced the shitty end of paperclip right through the skin and into the centre of a lovely juicy tangerine, then just left the bate!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahah!!!!
Sorry!!!!!!!
oh oh now you've dunnett!
Was at a gig once at the barrowlands, went for a widdle, and next to me this guy at the urinal was going about his business. Then, he put his head down, howfs all down himself (while pissing) He then about turns, lights a fag and walks out the door like nothing had happened, covered in sick and pish.
Isnae really as disgustin as most on here but anyway, also went to a gig (NME Tour 2009) and there was these guys behind me. They had pints and basically when they were done, they pished in the cups (STILL IN THE CROWD) and tossed them back over everybody.
On a lads holiday, one of my mates shat in a pot and cooked it! The smell was God awful and before long the horrendous smell of boiled shite made it right over the full floor of the apartment block. It was a dry boak hot spot for ages! The next day we told a couple of english guys who found this hysterical…a day later they fried a shite in hot oil!
Oh deary me, some of those are rather disgusting!
One day I was having a shit in my Grannie's mouth (tuesday!) and my wee sister came in from school with a worried look on her face. I says to her, “Whit's wrong??” She says, “Is the original Scooby Doo on the day or the fucking crap one with Scrappy Doo?” I says, “Original I think pal.”
I was at a party in EK a few year ago and it was a belter. Next morning we all get up rough as fuck and wee Eddie is lying on the living room couch with no breeks on.
So we start taking photos and that for a laugh until he fart – but instead of just farting he followsthrough.
So lying on his belly this jet of diarrumpus shoots into the air, comesback down and lands on his back. He groans a wee bit, rubs his back (hand all in the shite) then goes back to sleep.
We left (his house) but as the rest of the story is known his girlcomes in and finds him there, leather couch plastered in keech.
To this day his nickname is still chocolate fountain.
Bit of an urban legend floating about my work, not sure if it's entirely true or not but the story goes that someone was engaging in unprotected anal sex with a woman. In the days after that he found it was hard to pish, went to the doctors and they found a decomposing chunk of sweetcorn up the shaft of his cock.
I have got to say that this has been one of THE funniest blogs I have ever read – I've been away for a wee while and to come back to read this is fuckin' magic. I've no laughed out loudly for a while.
Please, please, please more blogs about funny & disgusting stories.
That's all.
I was that ned.
Beat THAT.
Its not just men that shit themselves – I know this girl that got totally plastered in Amsterdam and shat the bed. She got up in the morning and realised, dived in the shower, cleaned herself up and then blamed it all on her boyfriend.
Lucky he didnt examine the shite:
“What?? !!I dont remember eating sweetcorn”!!
But he took full responsibility and even it cleaned up !!! As you can imagine he was gutted and full of embarassment and remorse. she never told him the truth of course.
Hahahahahaha!!!
So remember to inspect your faeces – beware of scams.
Boaby was clean,think it was the up-thrust.
A friend of a friend once told me that he'd been fucked, pulled this lassie took her hame and pumped her. Next morning he wakes up before her to find that he'd shat the bed. To avoid doing the embarrassing thing and telling what he's done, he just rolls her intae it, shakes her awake and starts shouting “LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU FUCKIN MANKY COW!” Poor lassie starts roaring and greetin apologising like fuck, he just tells her tae beat it. She leaves totally sobbing. Said she was stood ootside his hoose for ages waiting for a taxi. Brutal cunt.
There's a lesson there though – girls dinnae shag guys who are cunts!
Fuck's sake. Reading this, a potential visitor to the British Isles would be forgiven for assuming that we were all complete maniacs, with no control over both our digestive system, and more importantly, our own fucking dignity.
They would be right.
Some Dirty bastard at my school shat in a plastic bag and successfully sold it to a first year as Michael Jackson's Turd…. A guy that used to frequent the pub I worked in shat in a guys coat pocket dried it out then gave it back to the guy and watched him picking and flicking caked in shite flakes for months… Another guy I know was at a party where some dirty cunt shat on a towel and threw it into the tumble dryer before turning it on…the party emptied shortly after that…A fucking lunatic back home was completely ballbagged at a party and gave a dog a blowjob thinking people would be impressed… Dirty Animal Bastards.
In my house last week , just wook up and leant over for a drink of irn bru but spilled it everywhere , ran and grabbed toilet roll wiped it n threw it down the pan , didnt clean it , got some kitchen towell wiped it n threw it down , that done the job , flushed my toilet it n it almost overflowed , was like FUCK, so grabbed a bit n threw it down my ensuite, this got bagged up aswell( only moved in myself 6 months ago , and im 19 ) so got 2 toilets that come to the top whenever you flush , got the plunger 2 days later n wis there for about 5 minutes , got the toilet paper out and the smell of pish , i ran straight to the wheelie bins, the other one cleared up itself
My story is nowhere near as minging as some of these but it still makes me feel sick so I should probably share it.
I did a German course a couple of years ago. The teacher had a proper big beard and moustache. He blew his nose at the start of the lesson but a fair amount of snot got stuck in his facial hair. The lesson was in a wee room with only four students so it was right there in front of me. An hour-and-a-half of trying not to look at it but of course having to.
Nicht gut. Nicht gut at all.
Had cancer, was saved, got a bag, up the road for the footie, needed to change it ( Guiness n Indians fill it right up ), changed it but didnae know what to do with the full one … chucked it, hands up ….. splattttt.
Didnae pay for a pint for years after that. And we won … topper.
I am not happy at all that you told this story. This is not your story to tell. Ally will not be happy when he hears about this. Why the fuck did you not just change the names!!!!!!!!! It would have made no difference to the story. I have already got a fucking facebook message about this from a guy I hardly know. NOT COOL ANDREW.
COOL ANDREW.
Gin-gate has been classified for to long.
Freedom of information, teenagers are pure fuuds, we all were, Omar you too
Think I'll just rub salt into your wounds now by saying that you, phipps etc all went to my school. I believe russell was in a band called red snowman for a while? Oh, and I found it funny as fuck and told some people.
Ma pal shagged Michelle McManus, no joke at all. Noo beat that.
Are you limmy's character john paul by any chance?…..shocking behaviour.
My mate has a dick of a neighbour. So one night him and his pal shat in a bag and posted it through his letterbox. BUT the bag wouldnae go right through so it burst and they had shite-covered hawns
March 18th 2006, the best/funniest night of my life. Big work night out, so me and 3 other boys booked an executive suite in the Thistle on Cambridge street. 5pm rolls around and we aw head up there to get ready, few bottles of vodka and so on. Heads out to Stavka to meet aw the burds from work, what a night, everyvody full eh it and winching. My mate pulls the best looking one, this thing was/is an absolute stunner, big blondie type.
So him n her disapear and me and the others hang back til shutting time. So there's bout 8 of us, 4 boys, 4 lassies, still aw passing each other aboot, doing the congo along Sauchihall st towards the thistle. Chaps the door and my mate opens up to reveal him in the scud and her face doon on the floor, with just a thong on. He say's she just been sick and has been a bit of a nightmare and can we give him 10 mins til he gets them clothed. So we goes doon tae the lobby to hang. My mate then phones me and the conversation went like this “Jim…… shes just shat herself”. So we head back up to the room, he'd put her into bed……… bed and duvet covered in her shit. Whats worse, her shitting? Or us partying around it til 8am wooohahahahahha.
She came back to work on the Monday!!!!!
that's a fucking horrible thing to do, you scumbag.
The most disgusting thing about alot of these stories has nothing to do with the ocean of diarrhea and puke. So many of you are ignorant, thoughtless pricks. Snobby, racist, misogynistic pieces of dung.
I was in the same country when Jockey Wilson farted once, when i woke up from the coma i had to get my teeth whitened, and a new face, beet that.
They asked you to keep the noise down so you terrorised them for the entire weekend? Check out the BIG MAN.
and…?
I can imagine if I was 15 at the time I'd prob have pished myself laughing too…. But now with a bit more sense thats a pretty nasty thing to do….
Another one… Getting out my tent at Rockness and first thing I see is seeing a lassie take a shite right at the door of her tent… Bleeeeuuuggghh!
i drank my own pish once.
i woke up needing a pee after a heavy night in town, it was fuckin freezin so i just peed in an empty bottle of merrydown (it was some pish i nearly filled the bottle!)
woke up properly a few hours later decide on a curer to ease the hangover. picked up the pishy bottle and swigged… it wasnt as terrible as you might think although the bird didn't like it when i snuggled back in.
now if it had been a plastic bottle it would have compressed inwards and i would have realised i was about to d
fuck. cut masel short there.
well the moral is never pish in a glass bottle.
Here's a couple.
About 8 or 9 years ago I had a really bad dose of the flu, and I mean REALLY bad. Couldn't move, think straight or get out of bed for three days. Because I couldn't get out of bed, I wasn't eating anything at all, just drinking loads of water that my flatmates were bringing me, so my guts were in no fit state. Anyway, by the third day I was as weak as a kitten, and when I “farted” I ended up shitting out a gush of foul smelling, orange, mucousy watery shite, all in my boxers and in my bed. I was so fucked from the flu by this stage that I couldn't face cleaning myself up, so I just lay in it all night. Really fucking horrible night.
Another one is one that a mate of mine told me. When his Gran was nearing the end, she had a nasty touch of Alzheimers, apparently she went downhill quite fast. Anyway, he was round visiting, and went in the fridge to get something to eat. When e opened the fridge, he found a plate of vomit, neatly clingfilmed and tucked away for later!
Both true, hence me keeping myself to myself for now.
Better wath yer mooth mate, 'cause one day it's gonny be wan ae us that stab fuck oot ye.
why the FUCK was a banned from your webcam chatroom?
Well continuing along the same theme as the stories already here… a friend of a friend was out one night, pulls this lassie and they end up heading back to her place. The guy is needing a shite but he can hold it in, so they go up to her flat and eventually head to the bedroom. The room is a bit of a mess with clothes everywhere on the floor etc… and the guy notices a plastic sheet on her bed and he thinks to himself ok bit strange but we'll continue on with this. So they end up going at it while he is still trying to hold this shite in, she produces some beads and sticks them up his arse without her asking or even commenting. Several seconds later he is just about to cum she notices and at the very moment he explodes she grabs the beads and pulls them all out and to her horror the plastic sheet wasn't enough apparently there was shite everywhere up the walls all over the place on her clothes on the floor the lot … moral of the story? Dump before a pump. Although apparently he claims this is also the best orgasm he ever had.
This thread reminds me of a story my geography teacher Mr Burns told us in class one day. He grew up in the gorbals and said one time he discovered some clatty bastard had taken a dog shite and used a stick to carefully smear it into each button on the lift so no one could touch it! Dirty weegie midden!
Years ago when I was merely a young foal I managed to drunkenly persuade this girl, who I had been chasing for some time, to gub into me down an alley one Saturday evening on the tiles. Halfway through the winch I noticed a very salty taste in her mouth, so salty that I felt the need to ask her if she had been eating crisps.
Weekend ended and a winch was all I got. At work a few days later I accidentally overheard a conversation by a skanky, riddled looking work mate of mine, who was a well known drug dealer, explaining to anyone who would listen that he recieved a reeking blowjob at the weekend from the same girl I had gubbed into down the alley. The time and location of his story meant that my encounter with the girl happened after she had wrapped her gums roun his plums. Hence the mysterious salty taste. That girl in question came from a very wealthy background and is now an Oxford trained teacher and parades around with a stick rammed firlmy up her arse. Behind closed doors…behind closed doors.
I'm greetin wi' laughter…
Fucking classic.
Fir fuck sake's, i once saw a jake take a shite on the same Halifax machine in Duke street. Must have been around 2008. Now, did we see the same fucking jake, or is he doing it there on a regular basis! I'd like it to be the first, that we were both staring wide eyed at the same jake at the same time, but i fear he is making a hibit out of it!
My cousin also shagged Michelle McManus and then sold his story to the sun. Boke.
The jobby on the bus is an oft repeated tale, but ma brother and his pal were on a late night Paton's bus back tae Renfrew many years ago when Stevie got taken short and had tae do his business on the floor of the bus. Fortunately, there were only a few old wifies up the front, so he thought he'd got away with it but when the bus braked for their stop, his cylindrical stool started tae roll forward and came to rest against one of the old dears heels. As they were getting off, they heard OW1 say tae OW2: “here whit's that just hit ma foot – OH MAH GOAD! wan ae thay boays done a jobby!”. History doesn't record her companion's reply, as the red faced pair fucked off up Glebe Street pronto.
Sorry, did not think that many people would see that.. seemed like a good idea at the time.. I'm not good at making up names…
am loving these stories! here's mine… it's very true.
my mate and his friends, all from liverpool, were off their nuts one morning and went to the local shop and stole a loaf of bread… back at my mate's flat, they took the crust off, scooped out the insides of the loaf of bread, one of them did a shit in it, and they put the crust back on. Then they gave it back to the shop…
getting coach back to airport on holiday, really long journey and boiling hot on coach. there were a family, loads of relatives all sat around on the back of the bus split up. we were surrounded by crying kids. one of the kids was crying about feeling sick, they then puked all down themselves, the brother of this girl saw the sick from his sister and he was then sick while they were trying to get a bag or something for the girl to be sick into TOO LATE! the woman who was trying to sort the 2 kids out then moved away like the sick n smell was too much, this was in the seat in front of where we were sitting, she was then sick in the bag she had bought up the coach for her kids to be sick in!!! fuck sake, then the kid behind us was sick down the back of my seat!! they just missed me, they stopped then but after them wiping it up best they could we just had that terrible puke smell for another 1 1/2 till me could get off, worst coach journey and end to a holiday i've ever had, fucking pukey kids!!!
I want to hear a disgusting story from you, Lynn
Mate was shaggin a random up the arse when his ma comes home starts walkin up e stairs…girls screams and legs it doon e stairs past his Maw but due to the rough anal before hand starts shitin hersel as she runs past….My mates just standin there, starkers lookin at his maw who's pure white we shock hahahaha
thats rank
My mate told me this story about a guy she goes to college with.
Right so this guy met a girl in a club, and they went back to his, she asks him to give her a lickout, but she puts a fruit pastel up her fanny and wants him to suck it out. He's wrecked so he doesn't care n just does it, so he gets the fruit pastel and starts chewin it then he gets a big crunchy bit followed by a weird taste…but he carries on anyway…
Next day he's sick as a dog, spewin everywhere so he goes to the docs and turns out when he was lickin out tht girl he'd chewed up and eaten a CLUSTER OF CRAB EGGS!
That's fuckin rank.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!
the others storys are fairly disgusting, but thats just fucking horrid! =p
Cough, bullshit, cough, cough
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
One new year, i took a serious cocktail of drugs and pharmaceuticals, pissed and shat and was sick all over the bed and lay in it for about 24 hours, till i had the energy to move
Shit related:
When I was a wee guy, I used to do this thing called 'the farting position' on a school bus to show off – long 8 hour journey home from a school trip in Raasay…I'd got straight into clownin about before the bus had fuckin moved – long story short I shat out a spherical ball of shite (dont know the science) and had to swiftly hide it behind the back seats before anyone clocked on. Long 8 hours for those cunts.
Another one – I used to stay beside the Viper Club in the West End and every night the noise would be fucking insane and the only peace/enjoyment I could salvage was through spying on the drunk fucking riots who would stumble about after it finished. Every night there was this obese girl who was always panelled and would constantly walk about propositioning guys and getting the piss taken out of her – I felt like I'd formed a friendship with her to the extent that I once shouted at her to go home. She couldn't be told. Things got more and more desperate and she ended up asking a bald fuckin tiny KP from Barbecue Kings on the corner…after his shift he took her into a done in fucking bright green corsa directly across from my flat, decluttered it onto the road and shagged her. Fucking harrowing.
thats mind blowing.
someone could confess to a murder or anything.
it sounds more dangerous than a danger wank in at a nigerian beauty contest.
east hastings street in vancouver. the most troubled street in north america.
if ye think drugs are cool then get a swatch at this and think again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N3EePNcIRE&feat...
i one time caught my dad having a wank over sylvester stallone and then he shot his load all over ma dug
twiglets dipped in luke warm egg yolk is all i can think about after seeing this – one for the ham shank memory bank i think.
please refer to this correctly mikey
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=...
Once a wis pumpin this fat bird in the arse, and after a finshed a pulled oot and there wis a big doad of shite right on the end it. A wis pretty embarrassed and didnae say anything, just ran to the bathroom sink and washed it aff. It was then that a noticed a wee bit o shite had went right in ma japs eye.
Didnae even say a word tae her after. True gentleman that I am.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=...
Is that no what you're thinkin of?
Last weekend, although it might have been the weekend before my mate Goldie drank a pint of my own and my mate Scotts pish without batting an eyelid, and said it just tasted like salty water. He also drank half a pitcher of my pish in Campus last year (i went under the table), and the funny thing is – there was no-one else at our table to freak out… See more with his act – it was just him and me! He also couldnt be arsed going to the toilet the other night, so he pished into a towel and hung it on the radiator, and went back to sleep. He shaved his arsehole with a bic one bladed razor once for a laugh, but totally regretted it after a few days because of the re-growth. He done a shite in the shower once and proceeded to toe it down the plug hole bit by bit. I know i have more on him, i just cant think just now. All this and he is STILL one of the most popular guys i know, amongs guys and girls.
Paul from primary shat his wee yellow Knickers in primary 3 and threw them about the playground. Goldie from my last post also took a shite in our uni library right into a costa coffee cup and just left it on display whilst we legged it
same thing m8
tomayto/tomato
wait til you read this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_Sanchez_(sex...)
A mate of mine headed up to Aviemore a few year ago, on some shite package thing with about 15 other folk. Having packed their bags with all kinds of weird and wonderfull substances, they decided to give these a miss and head for the slopes. About 30 minutes in, they've all realised they cant ski, and hit the bar shortly afterwards. Some 14 hours later, at about 3 in the morning, whilst running through the hotel dressed only in their pants, and playing toy soldiers with BB guns they found in the gift shop, said friend and two others got cornered, and had to jump into another mates room to avoid being shot. This mate was crashed out on the bed, fukked, having smoked a ridiculous amount of green. So, after shooting him a few times, and kicking the bed, my mate hovered over him threatening to fart on him if he didnt wake up. tried to squeeze one out, followed through, and shit all over the top of him. But the guy didnt wake up. So after he'd cleaned himself up, he managed to clean up the sleeping gentleman as well. Not sure if he ever found out that someone has shit on top of him….
boy in the work told me one about him n his mates on holiday a few years ago. Anyways, his mate meets a burd and takes her home to pump her. They fall asleep and when he wakes up in the mornin the bed is full of shit and so is her arse. He gets up and goes into the livin room bit and all the mates are sittin. They are laughin about it and she wakes up. She rund into the livin room in the buff and full of shit, and tries to run out the patio door….which is still shut. She bounces off that and lands on her arse, then this is the best bit….she shouts, 'It wasn't ALL me' then ups and legs it out the front door. fuckin belter.
LOL, see the story bout the crap on a bus. did that happen in Kingswells, next to westhill in aberdeen-shire by any chance? lolololol, my friend beaton took a shit on a bus there bout the same time as u wrote that story
hahahaha.
hahaha love it cleary
Once i was out on the lash when i was around 16, came home completely steeming and crashed out, next thing i remember is spewing all over the toilet, but thats not the best of it, i hadnt even realised there was a big dirty dirk kuyt next to me, my dad then walked into the toilet to discover me in the skud, spewing in the toilet, with a big dirty shite next to me and shite all over my arse, told me to clean up and go back to bed, needless to say, my mum my brother and my mum havent let me forget about it to this day and still get callled shitey from time to time
ive got a couple,but the funniest one has to be when ma mate passed out on the toilet while being sick, no one knew where he went so we thought fuck it. after a while drinkin some more on of ma other mates started feelin a bit sickly so ran to the toilet but there was some cunt lyin sleepin cuddling it. so he just spewed on the floor and in the bath and didny bother tellin any cunt ant the poor bastard sleepin tidied the full lot up thinkin it was him
i forgot about the time m8 m8 shat on a motor windscreen a wiped his arse with a flyer fae the dancing
I worked in a Totesport in Drumchapel with my uncle for 2 year. Seen some fucking sights, but one day sticks in my mind. One of the regulars was a bit simple n came in one day to ask to use the toilet. We kept the key behind the til so nae jake balls skagged up or any of that shite. So we gives him the key and thought nothing of it, until 25 mins had passed and oot he comes, cool as u like and hands us the key before standing in the shop looking at the days racing. All of a sudden the most ridiculous stench ae shite started making everyone gag, so coz i was the youngest staff, i got handed the key and told to go and do a columbo. I opened the door to be confronted with a cubicle covered in shite from top to tail. I fuckin spun round and huckled the manky prick and telt him to get it cleaned. He said awrite n as he was cleaning it my uncle asked him what the fuck possessed him n he said ach u know tht way when u just cannae get yer troosers aff, well a just thought i'd shite myself. So for a joke i said to him, 'n wit u just kept wearing ur shitty boxers anol' n he gave me a look as if to say 'wit yae mad!' before emptying his anorak pockets to reveal a neatly folded pair of y fronts caked in pish and the fresh gloss of a recently born shite. I decided about 3 weeks after that i had to fuckin shift my arse out that fucking hole
That the wan in the shoppin centre?
I used to pish anywhere and I mean anywhere.1 time in a club me and some mates were standing next to a fag machine,toilets too far away si I unzipped and let loose into the tray of the machine.Wanting to see if anyone would use it we hung around and almost immediately a girl came up to use the machine and looked absolutely disgusted when she retrieved her fags we just pissed ourselves laughing.
Oh NO, I use that one regularly >_<
Years ago when I was at school when we got intae 6th year we were given our new common room. This was greeted with much excitement by the type of folk in the year that werenae oot the back gittin twos oan a fag or a jay. Wan of the features of the room, other than the beigeness of the surroundings, was that we were entrusted with a kettle (wan ae thon big canteen type Cue a bunch of cunts bringing in their ain mugs and jars ae Gold Blend. Actin sophisticated at play time while the rest ae us were scoopin up tins ae Tab Clear and Monster Munch as if nane ae us had ever made a cup ae fuckin tea before.
Anyway, wan boy decided to take it in tae his ain hawns and pinched a loaf aff intae the bad boy. It was only two or three cups afore it wis spotted but it soon put the fuckers aff ever actin smart drinkin tea in there again.
LOL so funny!
was at fantazia a few year back, had ma new outfit on hinkin a was the bees knees. so me n ma pal went to the port a loos n a sat on the wooden bit n some dirty cunt had done a shit on it so was covered.
one night in a nightclub tae a was walkin back tae ma seat n a guy behing me went tae be sick n put his hand overhis mouth n it sprayed through his fingers aw over ma hair!
on a work night out in edinburgh a few year back at xmas n wer aw waitin in the que n next hing one ae the woman starts screamin cos she been hut on the back ae the leg wae a warm liquid! so we aw hink its this guy behind us had taken a pish so wer aw callin him a dirty bastard! so we goes in n one ae the woman goes tae the toilet n dries herself under the hand dryer…the smell was fuckin disgustin it had been her n she just dried her dress it was the total boak!
another guy a work wae had a pure bad nose bleed n used a metro tae catch aw the blood in then brought it in wae him!
n at a party a while ago a guy shat in the wee drawer in the washin machine where ye put the soap powder! dirty cunt!
Naw, a done a cupple a shifts in there but the one i normally worked in and where the offending incident took place was the one on Garscadden Road (near the train station and the peel bar). Still a fuckin dive, but a good laugh
This one's nowhere near as clatty, funny or gross as any of the above, but I'm gonna tell it anyway.
My flat mate was staying with her then boyfriend at his flat. In the morning he got out of bed and went and made cups of tea. By this stage they'd been in bed for a few hours. While they were sitting talking, he let slip a massive fart. She said “Oh, that one sounded a bit wet.” He replied “Actually, it felt a bit wet…” Yeah, you guessed it – he'd sharted. They had to get out of bed while he stripped it and shoved the sheets in the wash, then he keyed himself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. She was traumatised for about two weeks after. Being that I hate her ex I found this utterly hilarious.
Also – last summer I got the 40 bus home at about midnight. I joined the bus at Renfield St, and at Ingram St a huge crowd of drunk twentysomethings – a mixture of guys and girls – got on. They all congregated up the back and sat there being noisy. One of them suddenly decided there was a fly up the back of the bus and began to attack it with a can of Lynx deodorant, thus stinking up the entire vehicle. They finally got off a couple of stops before me at Duke Street, and as they were coming down the aisle one of the guys said loudly, “Party in mah pants – ah've shat masel!” Then off they went into the night…
ahhh the good old barbers…a mind once a let him cut my bunnet, i fuckin think he done it with a butter knife. Naw the guy that done it worked for the council (cleansing dept i think). He had kinda grey hair n a bit of a slurred speech. A know the wee wonky eyed guy u mean tho…one night his honkin fiancee came in and chucked his engagement he got her at him and ive never heard a group of men laugh so loud following the shiteyest clang of tin against tiles.
i feel this blog is dyin a death!!
its not gunna die anything else is it
it cannae be dying when its still getting 270 comments on a recent post.
anno u wanna be right, but err no!!
Two stories:
Me and a mate were at a really shite club night, which was a freebie with free booze, food, etc. As it was populated with media type wankers, boredom set in quickly. So we pished in our half-empty (green) beer bottles and left them alongside the other free booze, then followed the two tits about that were sipping warm pish mixed with fairly flat, warmish, Becks, and giving strange glances to the bottles. Probably improved the taste. But, this story embarrasses me to this day. Don’t tell anyone.
The other story is summed up with one sentence: my mate licked a prostitutes fanny.
Oh that made me sick. Yuck.
I was at the Oxegen festival in Ireland a few years ago and was too cheapskate to get a camping ticket. So I kipped in the jeep in the car park for the weekend. Come Sunday morning, my guts were in agony from 2 days of binge-drinking and burger-eating. I needed a poo. Real fast. Now, because I was a cheapskate in the car park, there were NO portaloos. The nearest one was a 15 minute walk through the sloppy, muddy fields of a campsite and I knew I didn't have time for that. The tightest of clenching wasn't gonna keep this thing in…
I got out the jeep and desperately looked for a bush, or anywhere vaguely hidden so I could release the beast. Too many people! I explained to my poor, then boyfriend my predicament and told him to take a long walk and don't look back. I'm rather good at improvising and this was no exception. I got back into the jeep and found 2 plastic bags. I put one inside the other and formed a sort of make-shift bowl that I laid on the front passenger seat. I lowered myself down over the bags, pulled down my jeans, and laid a cardie over my legs. To any passer-by, I was just sitting in a jeep. In reality I was sitting over a plastic bag about to fill it with shite. I was in desperate agony.
So this thing didn't need asking twice to come out. It was pishin out my arse, and then I was pissin at the same time. The bags were filling up. The relief!
I found facewipes, wiped my arse, pulled up my jeans, opened the door and saw what I had given birth to. It was like a yellowy-brown watery pie and I couldn't help but chuckle at my creation.
Disposal was a simple tying of a knot on the bag and walloping it under a neighbouring car.
Years ago while on a night oot i met this stunning girl in a club. After chatting I found out she worked in Burtons and thought I'm gonnie nip in there sober and see if I can get a date oot of her.
A few day's later I went to the store where she worked and she recognised me right away. She came over and started talking and her body language was giving oot mega vibes that was she interested.
Well, right oot of the blue I sneezed and this big lump of flemghy cattargh catapulted right oot the back of my throat and in a kinda slow motion somersault motion it flew thru the air and landed right on her nice black blouse just above her right tit…… She just put her hand to her mouth, turned around and bolted right to the back shop.
The baw wis well and truly burst.
We were at a party up the Stone in Greenock and everyone pished and decided to order a massive chinky take-away. Loads of chicken curry and rice dishes everywhere and this one lassie was aff her face and scoffed her whole tray in about 30 seconds only to spew it up about a further 30 seconds later (straight into the foil tray and hardly spillin a drop by the way!) A bit later this wanker staggers in (you know who you are Mitchell) obnoxious drunken bastard demanding food – we all goes no probs at all big man – help yourself to Lizzie's curry (the regurgitated wan). He ate it all wi a plastic fork and never even flinched – but i nearly got put aff chicken curries for life tho…..
I was on the bus from glasgow to Edinburgh a few years ago. A guy opposite me a seat in front started pissing up the back of the seat and it roled all the way down the bus. I first heard the trickle/spray and my immediate reaction was to say what the fuck! He was startled by this and proceded to put it away resulting in him pishin his pants. He said, a couldnae help it. At my exclamation over the event two women saw what was going on and went ahhggg and shouted driver driver this guys just pished up the back of yer seat. As soon as the bus arrived at the bus station he was off like a shot and nobody stopped him. We were about 5 mins away when he did this. He could of jumped off the bus as we werre in the city and found a toilet/done it in the street. Or he could have asked someone if they had a bottle ior summit.
Ma mate was diagnosed with cancer in high school-as you would expect, everyone was pretty distraught at this.He gets told he will need chemo and promptly shaves his head in preparation so that he and everyone else will be used to it-a big group of people shave there in head in solidarity for him as well.A couple weeks later he finds out that the tests results were wrong and that,in fact,he is perfectly fine.We all have a laugh about this and comment on his good fortune.Prior to his new (negative) test result his auntie and uncle,distraught at there 17yr old nephew having cancer,had promised to pay for him to go on an all-expenses holiday costing over 5k to keep his spirits up.
My mate,on advice from his mum and dad!withheld the good news from his aunt and uncle and kept up the pretence that he had cancer so that he would still get the holiday.He went on the holiday with spending money,all-expenses and the aunt and uncles best wishes.Disgusting?
PS his sister(30yrs+) got divorced from her husband when he walked in one morning and found her lying naked with TWO naked 19yr olds.
not a nice family
I wiped my arse with a map of africa once, it was all I had in my pocket at the time. Though I figured africa was total shite anyway so one more skidmark wouldnt hurt.