I got a taxi up the road last night. Halfway home, the taxi driver goes like that “So is that you had enough for the night then?”. Pure slow voice, guy was 69, I found out later.
I said “Aye, haha”, laughing at nothing.
Taxi driver goes “Working themorra, aye?”
I said “Well, I’m kinda self-employed, so I can just have a big lie in, really”.
He did not like the sound of that at all.
“Aye, well ye want to watch oot for that”, he says. “Just because you’re self employed, it disnae mean ye can lie in and take days aff”. Slow and monotonous as fuck.
I just gave a wee laugh and said “Aye”, agreeing with him, when I didn’t.
Big long pause, and he continues. “I mean ah cannae dae that, ah’ve been daein this for 25 years. Ye decide, right, ah’m gonnae take a day aff here, take a few days aff there, work at the weekend. And what happens come the weekend? Fuckin taxi breaks doon”.
I kind of laughed, but he didn’t.
Anyway, he eventually stopped at my flat, and continued with his advice.
“Cos the thing is, when you’re self-employed, ye’re yer ain boss. It’s you ye’ve got to drag oota bed in the morning, naebody else is gonnae dae it. And ye’re no just working for theday, you’re workin for themorra, ye know?”.
I felt like going like that to him:
“You’re everything that’s wrang wae this country, ya pessimistic prick. I’m away tae sleep for 12 hours, then get up only to play Modern Warfare 2 until my fingers faw aff. Cos that’s the sorta life ye cut oot for yersell when ye don’t let no-can-do, doonbeat bastards like yersell enter yer heid. Enjoy yer 6am cauld shower, ya dour-faced, Calvinist cunt”.
But I just went like that “Cheers”.
Nae tip, though.
You should have said something anyway. Taxi drivers think they have all the wisdom. By the way, I seen you in the paper that you've been nominated for Best Up-and-Coming Scottish Comedian at the Scottish Variety Awards. Well done
Enjoy yer 6am cauld shower, ya dour-faced, Calvinist cunt”.
Lol
a seen something about taxi drivers on your blog b4 limmy
you dont really get alang wae these cunts dae yeh
miby you should dae a sketch abt taxi drivers in yer next series if yeh get wan
No lol.
I know how you feel.
I sometimes get a taxi to my work in the morning when I'm running a bit late. Because of where I work they feel as though they can then sit there and talk shite about shit they can't understand and that I couldn't give a fuck about. Worse when I have a hangover because all I want to do it shout at them “Gonna shut the fuck up! I'm no sitting here slagging off your driving and passing opinion about how much you and the majority of your fellows are a bunch of scamming bastards! So shut the fuck up about how crap the people that I work for are and pay attention to the fucking road!”
Safe to say have never done it but boy! How good would it feel to just rip into them sometimes.
Do you work in the Royal Bank?
“Well, I’m kinda self-employed, so I can just have a big lie in, really”.
sure you didn't add “pretty cool huh”
'You’re everything that’s wrang wae this country, ya pessimistic prick. I’m away tae sleep for 12 hours, then get up only to play Modern Warfare 2 until my fingers faw aff. Cos that’s the sorta life ye cut oot for yersell when ye don’t let no-can-do, doonbeat bastards like yersell enter yer heid.'
You fuckin' tell him, Limmy!
Oh wait, ye didny!! Ah well, I wholeheartedly agree anyway.
Pretty NEAT, huh?
Sorry.
Yasss a proper blog, these make me laugh
Hampden cabs was it?
He probably saw you in Take a Break and was thinking “Jammy cunt, freelance whore killer”
And …. isnt shut the fuck up a tip anyway ? Ah, just remembered you didnae tip him.
Aye ….. fuck him.
Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.
I knew it. I KNEW it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrqsKq2T3dE#t=7m25s
i think theres a very rare time and a place to brag, or be arrogant, and that was one of them! i think in most occasions when someone brags about something they sound like a dick and should be taken away some place! but in this case limmy, you not only had the right to, but you should have just rubbed your show in his face like he rubbed his pishy advice in yours! i know i know, to the driver you would have came across as a wee shite! but he'd think twice before dishing out his pishy advice! think of it in the way how your ment to report a crime when it happens to you, like say you were to get mugged or that, even if you didnt want to report it, your ment to just encase that person goes on to commit the crime again and someone else suffers! not the best example…basically, he was a twat that needed told!
I stopped using the TOA when one of their drivers mentioned that he liked Jim Davidson and Roy Chubby Brown.
Feels good being the bigger man, doesn't it? You're a legend, end of.
I wish I could play MW2 till my thumbs fell aff too but my Xbox 360 has been sent to Germany for repair
I had a picture of Raymond Mearns in my heid there. I waited for a punchline – but it didnae come.
Here, I've got one of you. The other night I got back from Heathrow into Glasgow, came outside and straight into the white taxis that sit outside – driver asks, “where to?”, so I tell him. Now to be fair, Beale residence is no that far away from the airport, but the best part is I have to pay by card.
Taxi: “Fuck” says he whispering under his breath, “what, for a £10 journey?”
Me: “Aye, sorry, 'ave nae money”
Taxi: “I'll take you to a hole in the wall then”
Me: “'ave no got ma cash card wi me”
Taxi: “well it just a load of hassle for a £10 journey – can you no stoap at someones hoose to get the money?”
Me: “forget it mate – just stop the motor and I'll phone the local firm – they take cards nae problem”
Taxi: “No, no its alright mate, I'll dae it” shaking his fucking head.
Silence all the way to destination except the odd huff and “where were you?”, as he realised that he'd fucked me off – fuck off, I aint telling you.
“you need to stay in the taxi to I authorise it – I got fuckin stung last week for £20 as the punter wisnae in the cab but I only took a swipe of his card and it declined”
It pissed me off the whole night the way the fucker spoke to me and just re-confirms that the airport taxis think they are something fucking special and they ain't.
That's all and I'm glad I've told you all about it.
p.s. he got fuck all tip and I had to get ma own case oot the boot.
Another modern day Travis Bickle if you ask me!
Exactly the same here! I love that guy's voice from the pub and the way he looks, he's fab.
He killed his own tip, did he no?
“…You’re workin for themorra, ye know?”.
Right, I better keep this 50p and put it in the bank… ye know? For themorra… ye know?
Know?
what im trying to say is,a bad word/swear word is only a word,taken in offence by some people,but in pleasure by others,but who is this big guy/girl that says “fuck,dick,asshole” are bad words? they are just words after all,and who is this big guy/girl that told you to take offence to these words? if id met them,id kick them in the balls/fanny
Here's a tip for ye… http://www.waldoroadtip.co.uk/Waldo%20Road%20Ti...
No tip. Good.
There's nothin worse than that mob. Preachin like they know everythin going. Like their actually gonna add a bit of something to ur life. But I don't think they think like that. For them pishy chat like that is therapy. And I'm no even talking about taxi drivers. I'm talking about pessimistic Glaswegians. There's far too fuckin many of them. Maybe the weather is pish and there's a million cunts running aboot stabbin each other, but I think Glasgow's actually awrite. Fuck them.
That was exactly the voice I was hearing in my head as well!
you should have said what you were thinking, you sat and listened when he put his point across to you, you should have done the same
No Don't work in a Bank Lynn.
Firm but fair.
Hah well put. Pressure faced working class conditioning – bet he uses carbolic soap and rid hot water oan his face in the morning & then combs his hair ded aggresively (if he has any), has a cup of hot tap water (oot the hot tap – taking nae pleasure in it). Then he'll tye his shoe ded, ded tight, wee splash of auld spice & then oot the door at the ar5e crack of dawn.
All part of our bollocks protocol PC type culture that lets hair dressers ask about our holidays (nosey cunts), us asking taxi drivers if they have been on long and when do they finish (they think we're nosey cunts), telling fat birds they don't look fat (lying cunts), check out twats asking if we want a hand to pack (patronising cunts), TV licence bastards asking if we have a telly (just plain old cunts) or Policemen asking if we've ever been in trouble before (devious catch you out type cunts). James Hunt rhymes with cunt you know.
fucking right. i'm in the process of deciding exactly where in canada i'm going to move to toward the end of this year. there are moaning cunts there as well, but they'll be different to the ones i'm now totally sick of here. i used to love living here as well.
Taxi drivers talk shit.
Aye, how dare the man have principals and rather the country wisny full of layabouts.
You're missing the point, Johnny.
Doesn'y get it!
Who is James Hunt? Is that James Blunt's mate aye? Anyway, I like aw the nice things people do to interact wi eachother in this city. Jist breaking the ice and chatting away tae eachother.
Limmy's story is a different hing aw thegither. His taxi driver was being a daft cunt trying to give worldly work advice tae a stranger. NAE CUNT likes that. Imagine somecunt sitting telling him how tae drive? But wan time I got talking to a taxi driver who told me about him having a constant cold for the past few years. I told him he might be allergic to dairy products (my mate had that) he didn'y think that was it but he said he'd cut down on it to see what happened. That was about 6 months ago. Last night a got the same cunt hame fae Shawlands and he remembered me. He said cutting down on dairy and other shit had really made a difference.
See what I mean? People jist breaking the ice, chatting, passing on information and stories….where would we be without it?
Cheer up, cunts.
Haahahahahah Reading this reminded me of many taxi encounters i have had over the years…..
About 3 years ago my pal and masel got the chance to learn the chanter off a dutch guy that came to scotland to improve his piping.
So every thursday night we would take eddy to the pub after chanter practice for drink as payment.
Taxi from largs to fairlie every friday morning playing the chanters drunk on the way home…..
A few months later just on a night oot taxi driver says you still playing the chanter – approx 2am sat morning – aye but we have just moved on to the bagpipes – i said you want to hear them – taxi driver says aye but not now as this is the busy time for me – i said to my pal tam – stay in the taxi tam – and said to the driver keep the meter running – ran intae the hoose got the pipes oot and then started to blaw them ootside – cudnae do it properly as foo o the drink but nevertheless continued to try and blaw them – and to the great hilarity of tam and the taxi driver i got a tap on the shoulder fae my next door neighbour – very polite he was too – do you know what time it is he asks – instead of blurting oot some nonsense i paused and said oh yes im sorry – paid the taxi driver and then went tae ma pit
D'ye ever regret that tho, not saying something like that. Caus the only moment of akwardness is as soon as you say it, you're probably never going to see them again anyway.
Guess thats all well and good retrospectivley…..
taxi drivers are like all other public service jobs that allow the customer and the server to communicate if they are both happy to do so …if not , say fuck all and endure the uncomfortable/enjoyable /weird silence that follows. no-one is as wise as you regarding you so refute all attempts at life direction from your all knowing server by saying clamp it ya dick , if i wanted to listen to shite advice i would have stayed in with my wife/husband/partner/ma/da/family/pals.I m sure they will smile and say no problem whilst thinking … last time i will try and be pleasant to punters. erego all taxi drivers are cunts because of ignorant punters who cant have a pleasant chat even if they cant be arsed
How did you know the guy was a Calvinist?
That's whats wrang with this country. Someone in your work tells you a big story about “jumping the chasm”. You don't know whit he is rambling aboot and he points you to this show.
You watch it and piss yourself laughing because it's funny. It's real. It's your humour because thats the way I speak. Thats my city and my life. So you say to yourself, “who the fuck is this guy Limmy? How do I not know him? He is funny as fuck n'aw rat”
So ye make yourself comfy and go to wikipedia. You find his blog, and you read your first post. It's funny, but then he brings religion into it. You just go “aww fuck, no another wan.”
Then ye start thinking “whit the fuck is wrang wi this place? Does he know the guy's religion? Would he say the same if the guy was a Catholic? Then ye find yourself reading another blog about Limmy and the Battle of the Boyne.
You realise he hasn't a clue. That he thinks it was all just about Prodesdants and Carfolics. Maybe he doesn't know that William of Orange's cracks troops were Catholic and that William of Orange fought with the blessing of the Pope and under a Papal banner.
Then you catch yourself thinking the very fucking thoughts that made you want tae watch a comedy show in the first place.
I love Glesga but it's full of really stupid bigoted cunts from both of the big two Christian sects, and the worst are usually those who think they aren't.
John, the Calvanist thing was a joke.
enjoy yer cold shower lol cracker coz iv hud a few eh they showers n ill tell ye there just no nice on the testicles ye know.
John – think you need a right good wank mate.
I thought a Calvinist was type of Protestant, a puritanical type that leads a joyless existence, based on the old values of Calvin himself. In other words, they're few and far between, so it would be okay calling him a Calvinist cunt because no cunt reading this either is or knows a Calvinist. As opposed to calling him a proddy prick or a Catholic cunt or an Islamic idiot or a Sikh shit.
is it fair to say certain people are just looking too far into this? its just a joke it doesn't have to mean anything, if it's funny then laugh. We need more people like Limmy.
I've liked your sketches on bus' so far. You should do one in a taxi!
you're the biggest legend ive never met !
i canny imagine myself beating you in a slagging match anyway.
do u have xbox live
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